001: Divorce Sucks and Other Gay Shit
Song of the day: Get up, Get on - Jill Andrews
As if divorce isn't hard enough, mine came with a cherry on top - coming out to the world. My family was super supportive of my gay side but dismissed my divorce. It was all celebrations and happy times. I know not everyone's coming out story has a supportive family and I'm grateful for mine, but I didn't get the support I needed. Friends were a mixed bag, but more on that a little later.
Six days after coming out and trying to pretend I'm ok
First, I lost the old me. She died almost instantly. It was like a light switch flipped. I was no longer confined by the rules of society; I could do and be anything. And while that felt freeing, it was also terrifying. What did I believe in? Who was I really? What else had I been hiding from myself? So many questions that no one could answer for me.
Second, I lost my husband. He complimented me so well. I don't have all the life skills (who does?) and he helped fill those gaps. A dual income for a comfortable life in California. A partner to help me take care of my pup. Someone to talk shop with mechanics when my car needed work done. Someone tall enough to fix all the things that are just out of reach for a 5'0" female.
Third, and this is the one I miss the most, I lost my best friend. The person I could call at any time and say "I'm having a hard day. I just need to rant." And he would do just that - let me rant. He would give me hugs when life got hard but gave even better hugs when it was time to celebrate. He was my biggest cheerleader and always the first one to volunteer to help me with whatever task I was tackling. He reminded me life was short and would plan adventures for us to do together. He taught me that life can be fun alone but it's so much better when shared with loved ones.
STBX and I after completing a 24 hour endurance event together
This past year I've been grieving the loss of those three people, while trying to figure out who the fuck I am. But the losses kept piling up. A couple friends were supportive about my coming out. They thought I was so brave to leave a comfortable life for the unknown. And they're right - I am fucking brave. But I found that many people were more homophobic than I realized. Suddenly they didn't want to hang out alone, only in group settings, as if my gayness was contagious. Women started reminding me that they have a boyfriend or emphasizing how straight they are. Anytime I wore rainbow anything, I would receive comments of "oh, that's an interesting design." I would say "isn't cool?" and they would respond with "I wouldn't use the word 'cool' to describe that." One by one, I started letting go of these people. It was hard and it hurt like hell but it was oh so necessary in my healing.
I'm coming up on a year now and I think I'm moving in the right direction. I keep myself very busy, mostly to keep my minding from wandering into dark places. Is it healthy? Probably not, but it helps me be a productive member of society. I got a second job and started volunteering at a local nonprofit fixing bikes. My pup now comes with me everywhere I can bring her. She's my bestie and my favorite being to spend time with. I've discovered who my friends are and who will drop everything at a moments notice to be there for me.
Fixing bikes with other volunteers at coed night
Life is still so hard but I'm learning to cope. I've started working with a new therapist that has really helped me get through some very very dark days. I only wish I had found her earlier because she's absolutely fucking amazing.
I'm incredibly grateful for this experience because it's given me the opportunity to get uncomfortable and reach out to others for help - something I never would have done before.
I'm grateful that my relationship with my friend, Shelley, has improved. We used to only see each other 1 or 2 times per year but now we meet regularly for coffee and crepes. She's quickly become one of my closest friends.
I'm grateful that one of my sisters has felt comfortable enough to share her fears and insecurities with me. She's given me the opportunity to support her through life in the way she's stepped up for me.
I'm grateful that this hardship has allowed one of my brothers to open up to me and share his struggles. We aren't as different as I once thought we were. Our bond has never been stronger.
I'm grateful for how much closer my pup and I are now. Like me, she hates asking for help, but now she comes running to me when she's scared or needs extra love.
Liberty and I before our first bike ride together
The list of things I'm grateful for is endless. This whole experience has been one of the hardest I've ever been through but I'm truly grateful for everything I've learned and all the relationships that have blossomed from it.
I have a much better understanding of who I am now. I'm excited to live life as authentic little me. And yeah, it gets lonely sometimes but I know I'll be better for it in the long run. I've been anxious to get past this dark part but the universe keeps telling me to slow down and be patient. So instead of trying to rush past this, I think I'll share it with the world, with the hope that it will speak to someone. Maybe even help someone feel a little less alone.
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