002: Beautifully Flawed Humans

I feel like I've had writer's block since my first post but the truth is that I've been afraid to write my second one. The first one received such great feedback that I'm worried this one won't be as good. So bear with me as I work through this. 

These past couple weeks have been really interesting. I went on my first date since separating from A and it was quite the experience. I honestly didn't know what to expect but I didn't expect it to bring me clarity with a side of confidence. 

The date was going to be a hike on Sunday morning. I had planned to do Murph at my gym the day before. If you're not familiar with this workout, it's quite intense and one that I do every Memorial Day. Still dealing with some injuries, the version I did this year looked a little different:

I told my date that I was a bit worried about our hike since my hip might be flared up from the workout. She was so sweet and planned an easy walk, in case my hip wasn't feeling great. I scaled the workout correctly and my hip felt pretty good the morning of so we stuck with our original plan. 

Why am I telling you this? When she showed concern for my hip and suggested an alternative date option (instead of canceling), I was so touched and felt really special. But as I sat with that, it didn't feel so great. She was being a decent human being and I saw it as her going above and beyond. 

I thought back on previous dates I had gone on and realized how many times I had devalued myself. I put up with shitty behavior and called it "normal". I would tell myself that I had not yet proven to my date that I deserved to be treated better. How crazy is that?! I thought I had to earn the right to basic kindness and respect. I'm tearing up just thinking about how that used to be my truth. 

I don't think that feeling is so uncommon. My date didn't waste anytime in telling me about her "dark past". Mistakes she had made that she deeply regretted. After she was done telling me, she looked at me and said she would understand if I didn't want to go on a second date. 

View from the top of the hike

I have to admit, her honesty took me by surprise. I'm used to dates trying to show off with amazing stories about themselves, not telling me about their worst moments. But her story wasn't a turn off. In fact, I found it inspiring. She made some bad life choices and worked hard to turn her life around. She's so different from anyone I've ever met before and I found myself wanting to know more about her. Her "dark past" wasn't a red flag at all but a huge green one. She learned from her mistakes, worked hard to do better, and has been on a road of self improvement since. 

It made me realize that the things we may feel shameful about - our regrets, our mistakes - are the things that make us beautiful. A person that has never made a mistake isn't interesting to me and likely hasn't experienced much growth. 

Not sure if I can pull off the hat look but wearing it anyways because I can

I'm proud to say that I've worked really hard to heal and now have the confidence and self love to show people who I really am. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable and I want to go hide in a corner but I remind myself that I'm human and am allowed to make mistakes. I don't have to earn kindness and respect and I don't have accept shitty behavior from anyone. I've learned that my mistakes are what make me a beautiful and dynamic human. Anyone that doesn't see that isn't my kind of person. 

So this is your sign to fly your flag, whatever that may look like, and fly it proudly. You are amazing just the way you are and you should be damn proud of that 💜